Issue 97: Respectful Assertiveness
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 97 | RESPECTFUL ASSERTIVENESS
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.
~ Edith Eva Eger
THINK
If you want to be happy and successful, at some point you’re going to need to be assertive. Life won’t hand you perfection on a silver platter - you’ll have to work hard and advocate for yourself along the way. Therefore, it is imperative you’re skilled at expressing yourself powerfully and authentically, while still supporting and respecting those around you.
Being assertive requires communicating your boundaries, needs and desires in an honest, clear and respectful way. It means having a very strong sense of yourself and your value, as well as acknowledging that you deserve to get what you want.
Assertiveness skills underpin success in many areas - they’re critical in a work environment, important for developing healthy personal relationships, are necessary for leadership and even boost self-esteem. People who are assertive are well liked, regularly negotiate win-win solutions, are good problem solvers and are often less stressed.
Unfortunately, many people have trouble with assertiveness. Most of us either lean naturally towards being passive (nonassertive) or towards being aggressive. Neither of these options are an effective approach to life; passiveness often leads to stress, resentment, self-doubt and feeling like a victim, while aggression is regularly dismissive and fails to consider other people’s feelings, needs and desires.
Over time, learning to be assertive builds a sense of self, boosts confidence and self-belief, as well as shaping you into a more productive, efficient and respected member of your community.
In short, being assertive is a vital life skill.
It’s also one that often gets narrowed specifically into the communication field. While assertiveness is certainly an important part of the communication picture, it’s also much more.
Ultimately, what assertiveness gives you is the ability to live life according to your values. It’s what you’ll need in order to stand up for and act in support of your beliefs, even when someone else doesn’t agree with them. It is the foundation of your ability to keep your word, hold firm to your decisions, let go of self-doubt and follow through on your goals.
Examine assertiveness in your life by answering the following reflection questions:
- What does assertiveness mean to you?
- What has your experience with it (from both sides) been like?
- Are you comfortable with being assertive? If not, why?
- Do you voice your opinion or stay quiet?
- Do you value yourself and your needs the same way you do others?
- Are there areas in which you know you need to be more assertive?
- Are there areas you’re great at being assertive in?
- Why are those different?
- What could you do differently to bring those strengths to the areas of weakness?
- How well can you articulate your personal values?
FEEL
Emotional intelligence (or lack thereof) has a marked impact on your ability to be assertive. A big part of being assertive is owning how you feel and articulating it thoughtfully.
If you’re unable to identify and manage your feelings in the midst of encounters with others, you’re going to have trouble being assertive.
Here’s a great formula you can use to get started…
- Identify what you’re feeling.
- Breathe deeply while you decide what to say next.
- Share your feelings using ‘I’ or ‘Me’ statements.
- Articulate what you would like in the future.
“I feel X, when you do Y, in situation Z. In the future, I would like…”
For example: I feel angry when you don’t call to tell me you’re bringing a friend home for dinner. In the future, I would like you to phone and let me know as soon as you’ve issued the invite.
When you communicate in this way, you prevent the tension created by attributing blame to the other person. There’s no need for the other party to argue with the statement above because there’s nothing to be defensive about. As a result, you have a much better chance getting what you’re asking for in the future.
It’s also important to remember to create the space to express that emotion and let it go at an appropriate time.
DO
Learning to be assertive can be a tricky journey, and you’re not always going to get it right. But the rewards will definitely be worth the effort, so keep practising!
Here’s a few practical tips to get you started:
Be deliberate with your choice of words - do not hint, skirt around an issue or be vague. People are not mind readers, so articulate exactly what you want. Only then can you set about creating a win-win situation in which you get it.
Do not assume responsibility for how others react to you - you can only control yourself and your behaviour. If you haven’t always been assertive, it may take people time to adjust. Stay calm, breathe deeply and be measured in your responses. As long as you remain respectful of others, you have every right to state your needs and desires.
Get better at saying no - it’s a fundamental assertiveness skill. You can’t be everything to everyone, so you’re going to disappoint someone. Protect the resource that is you by saying no when you need to.
Always (always always) be open and empathetic towards others.
Take your time when composing your thoughts and responding to others - it is often when we rush that we don’t quite get the message right.
Be mindful of your tone and body language - maintain eye contact, face the person you’re speaking with, be direct but not aggressive and stay positive.
Accept all feedback with gratitude and humility - you don’t have to agree, but you do need to avoid being defensive.
Stay accountable - if you’re standing up for your beliefs and opinions, you also need to be willing to own it when you make a mistake.
Practise identifying and articulating your feelings quickly and clearly, being mindful to own them by using ‘I’ statements.
Start small - while you’re learning to be assertive, practise in low risk scenarios with partners or friends. Reflect and adjust your approach as needed.
Let go of guilt.
Do not hinge success with assertiveness on the outcome of a situation - the goal is to ensure your voice is heard and your opinion considered, but that doesn’t mean things will always go your way.
Be positive and constructive.
Read. Watch. Listen.
