Issue 92: Moving Beyond Betrayal
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 92 | MOVING BEYOND BETRAYAL
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I’ll rise.
~ Maya Angelou
THINK
Have you ever felt completely betrayed?
Had someone you trust throw you under the bus or lie to you?
Perhaps you were at an event and someone you know ignored you, treating you as though you were invisible. Or maybe you’ve felt abandoned during a difficult time in your life due to the absence of people who usually ‘have your back’, and they didn’t even seem to notice.
Feelings of betrayal can occur as a once off event or from the accumulated effect of repeated events. It doesn’t matter if the betrayal is intentional or accidental - what matters is you’re left feeling powerless to protect yourself from the pain.
All too often when we experience betrayal, we withdraw from others and isolate to protect ourselves from the chance it could happen again. But in doing so, we deprive ourselves of many wonderful opportunities for connection.
To move through betrayal, it helps to bring your awareness to ownership of your role in the situation. Reflect on the following questions:
- Do you need to learn to set (and hold) clearer boundaries?
- Do you communicate your feelings and expectations clearly?
- Did you blindly extend trust that was unearned?
- Do you tend to ignore obvious signs of trouble in order to avoid conflict?
- Do you fear being alone and compromise by maintaining a relationship that’s unhealthy?
- Do you lack self-confidence or self-esteem?
- Are you easily manipulated by others?
The answers to the questions above will reveal areas where you need to make an effort at healing old wounds and implementing new strategies moving forward. By identifying any potential blind spots, you bring awareness to your patterns and thus avoid repeating them in the future.
FEEL
If you want to heal from the pain of betrayal, you must allow yourself to experience not just the betrayal, but also the emotions that come with it.
If you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain, you cannot heal.
The healing is in (the expression of) the feeling.
There may be shock, denial, and disbelief to begin with. This will quickly transition into a roller coaster of other emotions, often with extreme experiences of intense anger, deep despair and gut-wrenching sadness.
Be honest with yourself about how the betrayal feels to you. Recognise that you may have many conflicting feelings and accept them all. Acknowledge and own them all - they are the path to healing.
A few tips to get you started…
- Name the emotions you are feeling without judgement.
- Write them down.
- Take the time to identify a benchmark for your feelings today.
- Over time, this will help you measure your emotional progress.
- Practise self-compassion - this aids in balancing your other emotions.
When intense emotions occur, use techniques like deep breathing and mindfulness to help regulate yourself until you’re in a position to express them cleanly and healthily.
Keep a journal to express your thoughts and track any triggers as they occur.
DO
Below are a number of strategies to help you heal following a betrayal.
Detach
Take a deep breath and mentally step back. Detach from your emotions and identify what happened - just state the facts without judgement. Imagine yourself as an impartial reporter on the situation, not the victim.
Do Not Own The Betrayal
We are all responsible for our own choices and actions. Don’t beat yourself up, take on guilt or fall into the blame game.
Deal With It
Be careful not to obsess over the facts once you have identified them - ruminating will not make the pain go away. Instead, commit yourself to moving forward and taking the necessary action steps to create healing.
Forgive
Forgiveness is about your healing. It does not condone the other person’s actions or excuse the consequences, but it does set you free. Setting your intention to forgive is the first step - when you’re experiencing a deep wound, true forgiveness may take time, but if you can simply acknowledge it is your intention to forgive, you’re off to a good start. Forgiveness allows you to shift your perspective and let go of the story you may be telling yourself about the situation. This, in turn, allows you to drop your emotional baggage and move on.
Put Things In Perspective
Will this matter in a year? How about five years? Chances are this momentary pain will be a mere blip in the great story of your life. Don’t let something small and ultimately insignificant hurt you more than it has to.
Accept What You Cannot Change
What has happened cannot be altered, changed or reversed and you can’t control the responses of other people. There will be varying degrees of consequences for everyone involved and you can’t control that either. Accept what has occurred and find the courage to let it go.
Choose To Move On
The only constructive thing you can do when other people have hurt you is decide to let go of your negative feelings and move on. Forgiveness has been scientifically linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate, and increase life span, while dwelling on perceived injustices does just the opposite.
