Saying no can sometimes feel difficult, awkward, even wrong. These are often deeply ingrained negative thoughts and emotions that cause us to say yes to the requests of others when we don’t really want to.

The first step in learning how to say no is to reflect on the emotions that come up, look at what they teach us and overcome any resistance that results from them.

• Do you have a fear of conflict that causes you to keep the peace and sacrifice your own needs?
• Do you feel guilty because you are conditioned that saying no will let others down?
• Do you feel the weight of unmet expectations or the burden of obligations to others?
• Do you fear the judgement and rejection of others if you say no?
• Do you feel a sense of unworthiness and shame lies beneath your choice to say yes?

Reflecting on your feelings and recognising your behavioural patterns will help you feel more confident in saying no. When your sense of self-worth is low, there’s a natural tendency to look for external validation due to an erroneous belief that your value depends on your ability to meet the needs of others.

A habit of saying yes when you really mean no can also be rooted in your family of origin. If you grew up in a family where it was not okay to express your feelings, or your parents got angry when you expressed your needs, you may have have an automatic fear of speaking up for yourself. Psychologist Stephanie Kriesberg calls these reactions feeling memories. “We might not make the connection between our past and present experiences intellectually. Instead, we react with intense emotions or reactions in our bodies, such as self-doubt, guilt, a clenched stomach, or a racing heart”, she says.

We need to develop “the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others,” Brene Brown says. She goes to to say, “Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say, ‘Enough!’”