Issue 85: Empathy
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 85 | EMPATHY
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
~ Maya Angelou
THINK
Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes …
It’s a phrase we’re all familiar with, but how do we actually go about building empathy?
Empathy is a vital social skill - it enables connection, builds trust, strengthens emotional intelligence and boosts compassion.
Those benefits are important in every relationship we form as we move through life, from our siblings to our friends, co-workers and romantic partnerships.
Researchers define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions and to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. Empathetic people have a sensitive and accurate understanding of (without having to agree with) how another person may be feeling, while maintaining a certain separateness from them.
One of the best ways to bring more empathy into our daily lives is to hone our listening skills.
Truly listening is more than hearing the speaker’s words – it’s about understanding and accepting the other person’s message, situation and feelings. When someone does that for us, when we feel genuinely seen and heard, it feels wonderful!
So how can we do that for others?
The first step is to listen actively and with intent - give your full attention, be present, seek to understand, ask reflective questions. Don’t worry about what you might say next or think about what you’re cooking for dinner. Just listen.
People don’t always deliver messages in neat, organised little packages, especially when heightened emotions are involved. We need to be listening actively or we won’t be able to extract the main ideas and feelings from among other points.
When we listen in this way, people are far more inclined to give us the whole story. And we can discover not only what they’re saying, but also why they are saying it, which allows us to learn more about what’s really going on.
Empathetic listening means truly seeking to understand the other person’s motives, wishes and situation, without bias or judgement. When we do it well, others tend to reciprocate for us and our relationships become deeper, stronger and more rewarding.
- How much of yourself to you bring to interactions with others?
- How present are you when you’re speaking with someone close to you?
- Do you think other people leave interactions with you feeling understood and uplifted?
FEEL
Developing your emotional ‘radar’ so that you can accurately sense what is going on for others is simply a matter of practise.
Dr Ronald Siegel, assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, says, “Empathy requires paying attention to others’ words and body language, noticing the feelings that arise within us when we interact with them, and asking them about their feelings. Doing this regularly refines our capacity to accurately sense other people’s emotional experience.”
Bring your awareness to the emotional signals people are giving you.
Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, eye contact, tone and volume of voice - there is a wealth of information in these subtle cues. What is it telling you?
When you think you have a sense of what someone is feeling, do not make assumptions, check in to make sure you’ve interpreted them correctly.
It’s also important to note any feelings that have popped up for you and deal with them appropriately. Your comfort and skill with your own emotions will directly impact on whether others allow themselves to be vulnerable with you.
Ask yourself:
- How comfortable are you with emotions?
- Can you sit with ‘big’ emotions without moving to fix or hide them?
- Do you usually assume you are correct about how people feel, or do you check?
- How can you ensure the person you’re communicating with feels connected with you?
- What can you do help this person feel less alone?
DO
When it really boils down to it, the reasons most of us fail to be as empathetic as we’d like are pretty simple: either we’re not being fully present or we’re too busy trying to ensure our own views get heard.
By consciously focusing on other people, we can improve our ability to understand and be empathetic toward others. When we do, more often than not they become more willing to do the same for us.
Ultimately, honing your empathy skills is a matter of practise. Here’s a few tips you can use to dive in:
Look for signals: read body language, watch faces, listen to tone of voice, read between the lines. What are those clues telling you?
Listen actively: focus on understanding, not on your reply. Use all of your senses, ask questions to ensure you received the right message and try not to interrupt.
Don’t try to fix problems: when someone expresses negative emotions about a situation they’re struggling with, avoid suggesting solutions unless you are directly asked for input.
Put yourself in their place: step out of your comfort zone and try to consider the situation from the other person’s perspective. Reflect on why this person may be feeling the way they do. Question your biases rigorously.
Show you care: actively demonstrate care and concern for those around you. Watch how this affects them, how they react to your concern and how it makes you feel in return.
Be vulnerable: your willingness to be open about how you feel builds connection and trust, and encourages others to do the same.
Watch others: pick someone who always makes you feel heard and understood, then watch how they make that happen.
Be curious: to really understand another person’s perspective, feelings, and motivations, you have to be curious about that person.
Be present: if you’re thinking about dinner, the shopping list or the kids play date, you’re going to miss signals. Stay present to the people you are with as much as you can. If you struggle with this, try mindfulness exercises.
Read: according to Harvard Professional Development, numerous studies have shown that reading literature with complex characters helps improve empathy.
Read. Watch. Listen.
