Issue 81: Emotional Intelligence For Kids
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 81 | EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE FOR KIDS
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
It is not what you do for your children, but what you teach them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.
~ Ann Landers
THINK
For years now, there’s been much discussion of the vital role emotional intelligence plays in creating a successful life and living it with ease and grace. Despite that, we don’t often talk about emotional intelligence with reference to building an emotionally intelligent family unit or raising our children.
Research has shown that children perform better in school, engage in less negative behaviour and interact better with others if they’re learning about emotional intelligence. More than one study has concluded that emotional intelligence is a greater predictor of success than almost anything else, so it makes sense to start teaching it early.
Daniel Goleman, psychologist, author and emotional intelligence expert, puts it like this…
“Our emotions either get in the way of, or enhance, our ability to think and plan, to pursue a goal, to solve problems. Therefore, they define the limits of our capacity to use our mental abilities and determine how we do in life. It is in this sense that emotional intelligence is a master aptitude, a capacity that profoundly affects all other abilities, either facilitating or interfering with them.”
If we’re to raise well-adjusted, successful children who can maximise their potential and truly flourish in life, it’s crucial we teach them to be emotionally intelligent.
How do we do that?
We create a warm, loving environment with clear, realistic expectations. We learn enough about emotional intelligence that we can teach it to our children. We use a parenting style that fosters emotional intelligence by using upsets and mishaps as opportunities for growth.
We be patient - and then be patient some more.
Most importantly, we practice emotional intelligence every day so that we set a positive example for them. When we do mess it up (as we all inevitably will) we talk with our children honestly about what happened and what we plan to do differently next time based on what we learned this time.
When we parent in this way, we ensure our children are better equipped to handle the complex, demanding world that awaits them.
By demonstrating and teaching emotional intelligence we set our children up for happy, fulfilling lives by ensuring they have the skills most critical to success.
FEEL
The first step in teaching children emotional intelligence is helping them learn to identify their feelings. Start small, be consistent and allow the kids space for their own feelings. Ask questions about how they feel, and if you need to, help them to articulate the emotions.
When you do, use clarifying statements like, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated and maybe even a little angry because you’re having trouble getting the knots out of your hair. Is that right?”
Let the child answer and if necessary add something like, “I remember how that felt, if you persist you’ll get them. Remember to be gentle and work from the bottom up – it’s easier that way and will hurt less. I’m here if you decide you’d like help.”
Once kids are able to identify their feelings, they can learn that sometimes they need to act a certain way despite their emotions, for the best interest of everyone involved. Remember that emotional expression is very important, so if your kids need to put their feelings aside for a short time to deal with a situation, give them ample space to express their emotions later at home.
NB: Never, ever tell your children to push their feelings down or away. This is an incredibly unhealthy (and emotionally unintelligent) habit and will eventually lead to the children lashing out or imploding on themselves.
Step two is creating the space for emotional expression. It is impossible to practice emotional intelligence if we have a build up of emotions we haven’t dealt with. Therefore it’s critical we teach our kids how to express all of their emotions in a warm, safe environment without hurting anyone else.
Make any emotions your children have okay, even when that’s difficult for you. In most cases, this will mean kids rarely suppress their emotions because they don’t have any reason to. They’ll know they’re safe with you and can let it all out without hurting or upsetting someone they love.
Anger
Anger can be expressed using any number of methods - hitting pillows or a punching bag, chopping wood, screaming underwater or even smashing plates. A family in a Quantum Orange workshop once shared that they would buy old plates from thrift shops to smash. They would all go out in the back yard together, play some loud music, yell and throw the plates at a brick wall. It worked fantastically for them. Find whatever works for your family and encourage the kids to join in. Chances are they’ll find it a lot easier than you will. Just remember that with anger, the vocal component is important.
Sadness
With kids, expressing sadness usually just means making it okay for them to feel sad or cry. Hold them while they cry if they want you to or let them cuddle their favourite toy. Just remember that if you tell them not to cry, you’re essentially saying sadness is not acceptable, so be very careful about the words you choose when offering comfort.
Fear
The best way to help kids with fear is to ask them to be descriptive. Fear generally loses its grip when we explore it, so help them do that. Ask questions like, “Where in your body is the fear?”, “What colour is it?”, “How big is it?”, “What does it want to do?” and “What will help you feel better?” Remember that these questions are about the fear itself, not the thing they are afraid of.
This might all feel a bit tricky to begin with, but be patient and consistent. Demonstrate by expressing your own emotions - kids learn very quickly, especially with an example to follow.
When you notice your children have an emotion ‘up’, ask them if they need to yell, cry, talk or whatever else they normally do to healthily express themselves. If you stick to this process, before long they’ll be knocking your socks off by informing you when they (or even you!) need some emotional expression time.
DO
Here are a few specific strategies parents can employ to build a resilient, emotionally intelligent family.
Try Role Playing
If your child is having particular difficulty processing an emotion or finds it difficult to empathise with others, try role playing with them. Essentially, you take your child’s part and ask him/her to respond as the other party. This is a great way to encourage empathy and it will often diffuse a tricky situation quickly. Remember to ask your child what they learned from the exercise.
Be Present
Being present with your kids is one of the hardest things to do, simply because it requires time and most of us are ridiculously busy, but it’s absolutely crucial to helping children learn emotional intelligence. Ensure you spend quality time with your kids each day, just being present and communicating with them. Don’t allow phones, television or other distractions to interfere with this special time. You may be surprised by how impactful even small amounts of this sort of focused family time are.
Give Specific, Supportive Feedback
Ensure that you always provide supportive feedback that’s specific enough for your children to identify with. This will help them discover that they’re a good person who cares for themselves and others. However, it’s important that you are careful not to just say that – instead, choose your words to illustrate the point so they can come to the conclusion on their own.
For example, “I noticed you were kind to your sister even when she wasn’t being polite to you. I’m impressed that you chose to give her what she needed rather than responding to her negative behaviour. I’m proud of you. How does it feel to know that you can choose to act with patience and kindness even in the face of your sister’s frustration?”
Set A Good Example
Children learn far more from what we do than what we say, so it’s incredibly important we practice emotional intelligence ourselves. It’s okay to mess it up - as long as we talk openly with our kids about what happened, what we learned and what we plan to do differently next time.
It’s also extremely helpful to take a look at our emotional habits and see what we can improve on so we continue setting the best possible example for our kids.
Grab a notepad, a pen and a few minutes to reflect on the following questions…
- How do you express anger? Is that healthy or could you do better?
- How do you express sadness? Is that healthy or could you do better?
- How do you deal with fear? Is that healthy or could you do better?
- What do you do with your positive emotions - joy, love etc?
- Do you notice any patterns in your answers above?
- Do your emotional expression habits trigger any particular responses in your family members? If so, is there anything you should do about that?
- Which of these old habits can you discard and replace with a new emotionally intelligent habit? How will you do that?
- What, specifically, do you need to do to improve your emotional intelligence skills so that you set the best possible example for your kids?
Finally, it’s worth sitting down with your significant other and putting some serious thought into the questions below. Combined with the techniques above they’ll help you design a plan for creating a family life that is absolutely extraordinary.
- What does emotional intelligence mean to you?
- What would an emotionally intelligent family look like to you?
- What strategies will you use to help your children learn to be emotionally intelligent?
- How will you incorporate the practice of emotional intelligence skills into daily family life?
- When will you enact the plan you detailed above?
