Issue 67: Befriending Yourself
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 67 | BEFRIENDING YOURSELF
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves? This is the most important of all voyages of discovery, and without it all the rest are not only useless but disastrous.
~ Thomas Merton
THINK
Modern society bombards us with many ideals - wealth, popularity, physical perfection - very few of which are genuinely attainable. Social media adds yet more pressure to be seen in a certain way, or to mimic the behaviour we are seeing around us.
We live our lives with this ‘striving’ facade, attempting to be seen in a way that means we will be accepted and constantly comparing ourselves to everyone we meet.
The problem is that when we overvalue superficial social goals, we lose sight of what really matters to us and constant self-criticism becomes the norm. We think if we stay ‘onto’ ourselves, we will be more motivated and do better. The reality is we just end up berating ourselves, saying things we would never utter aloud to a struggling friend.
For many people, paying attention to self-talk can be a rude awakening. It’s shocking how cruel and negative we are towards ourselves. The inner critic will constantly draw attention to faults and shortcomings, remind us we are deeply flawed, even belittle our achievements.
It often harasses us for past mistakes and frequently paralyses us with disparaging remarks in the present. The inner critic is the reason we feel regret, anger, anxiety and guilt so keenly.
Shifting this relationship and beginning to befriend ourselves is about finding ways to meet our own needs. We need to learn what works for us and show up for ourselves, even when others can’t or won’t.
Becoming a friend to yourself is not about spending time alone - it is about creating a warm, supportive place for yourself, within yourself.
Pay attention to your inner critic this week.
- When you have a disappointment at work do you give yourself a pep talk or berate yourself for falling short?
- If you put on weight, do you decide to make better food choices or condemn your body (and perhaps even character)
- What are the recurring messages your inner critic sends you?
- What facade does this cause you to present to the world? Is this being kind to you?
- How could you turn up in your own life as a friend to yourself more often?
FEEL
Living behind a facade like this often leaves us feeling unseen and unknown. Since we can’t live halfway behind the facade, we don’t just hide our shortcomings - we end up hiding our strengths and glossing over the value we have to offer the world. This results in a loss of meaning in our own lives.
When we lose our internal compass, we also lose our sense of emotional identity and grounding. On a rational level, we know we have worth, but it’s very difficult to ignore the constant messaging that insists we be someone we are not.
We need to learn to treat ourselves with the same kindness, encouragement and openness we would a friend.
Begin by truly getting to know yourself. Once you are comfortable with who you are and can truly inhabit your own skin, you’ll be much more comfortable moving through the world authentically.
Fear is a common stumbling block in this area. Just remember, fear is simply another part of yourself you have the opportunity to come to know and understand.
It is worth reflecting on some ‘big’ questions:
- Do you feel like you really know yourself?
- Do you feel you are friends with yourself?
- Do your friends and family know who you really are?
- Do you feel connected?
DO
The objective of self-knowledge is not to create perfection, but to gain insight and self-acceptance. Knowing ourselves does not mean we need to solve all of our problems.
To begin to get to know ourselves, we need to take a step back and think about questions that reveal what we value and why we respond to the world and the way we do.
Spend some time this week getting to know yourself - think about what drives you, what motivates you, what ignites both your passion and your ire. Look within - that is where you will find answers.
A few other small actions you can take to begin forming a beautiful friendship with yourself:
- Give yourself a pep talk on a bad day.
- Learn to recognise your stress signals and take yourself for a walk to decompress.
- Take yourself to bed early.
- Buy yourself some flowers, just because.
- Compliment yourself - and mean it.
- Call yourself on negative names and put downs - if you wouldn’t say something to a friend, do not say it to yourself.
- Put time in your diary for activities that nourish you
Read. Watch. Listen.
