Issue 64: Building Self-Esteem
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 64 | BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.
~ Brene Brown
THINK
If we asked you to describe yourself, what sort of self-portrait would you paint?
Would it be complimentary or critical? Or perhaps both?
The self-image is a mosaic of ideas and value judgements we hold about ourselves. It’s how we view our personality, capabilities, skills, body, mind and personal potential.
While most of us agree that it’s important to have a good self-image, very few people seem to know how to acquire one – or even how they got the self-image they have now.
The first thing to understand about our self-image is that it is not real, even though it feels like it is.
Self-image is something we have carried with us since childhood, and is as familiar as our favourite teddy bear and as comfortable as an old pair of socks. However, self-image can also prevent us realising our personal potential, because how we think about ourselves directly affects how we feel about ourselves and how we respond to life.
Self-image is a product of learning. Parents or caregivers have the greatest impact on our self-image – they are mirrors reflecting back to us a picture of ourselves. Our experiences with other role models, such as teachers, friends and family contribute further to the reflection in the mirror. Relationships reinforce what we think and feel about ourselves.
The picture we see in the mirror may be a real or distorted view of who we really are. Based on this view, we develop either a positive or a negative self-image. We begin to make value judgements about ourselves based on this distorted self-impression. We see ourselves as “smart or stupid”, “pretty or plain”, “caring or callous” – you get the point.
Over time, the strengths and weaknesses we learn as children are internalised and affect how we act as adults. The result is that we believe we actually are the subconscious collection of other people’s impressions.
Think about that for a moment.
Is your self-portrait really a picture of what you think of you, or what other people think of you?
The interesting thing about self-image is that it is usually not open to question or reason. We accept that it is so. And so it is.
When we believe we lack self-confidence, perform poorly in public speaking, do not know how to lead others, will never be successful, cannot create a good relationship, and so on – guess what? We’ll defend that belief, even to ourselves.
With a positive self-image, we are able to claim our assets and potential while being realistic about our liabilities and limitations.
In contrast, a negative self-image focuses on our faults and weaknesses, distorting failure and imperfections and making us blind to our potential.
FEEL
The self-image lies deep within the subconscious brain. It is made up of sensory data and memories that combine to form a picture of the self that is detailed, wordless and very powerful.
Self-image essentially becomes a filter for what for what we think we can or cannot do. It’s a protective mechanism that stops us from getting hurt by preventing us from trying to do things we can’t or fit in where we won’t.
When we ‘know’ we’re only a ‘two out of ten’ in maths, we’re unlikely to put our hand up to answer the maths teacher’s question – saving us potential embarrassment.
So, while we plan success in our endeavours and take all the appropriate actions, the self-image takes stock and considers if this achievement ‘fits’ within the overall picture.
As always, self-awareness is crucial to create positive progress.
Complete the following exercise to better understand your current self-esteem ‘picture’.
SELF-ESTEEM EXPLORATION EXERCISE
Step 1: Your Inheritance
Ask yourself, “What is my self-image inheritance?” Write as much as you can about your role models – parents, teachers, friends, neighbours and anyone else who influenced you. The story is not important, just how it made you feel.
For example, the suburb you were raised in. It doesn’t matter where it was, just how it felt. You could ask yourself the questions below.
- Was it middle class, poor, or privileged?
- What were the taboo subjects?
- Who was the leader in your street?
- What was it okay to be good at?
- What wasn’t?
- Where did you fit?
- Who was cool and why?
- What were the social norms?
Step 2: Critical Choices You Made Along The Way
What choices have you made that influenced your self-image? Once again, write as much as you can, and don’t worry about the story – just focus on the result. Take the time to explore this fully.
Step 3: Influential People
Examine the people who have influenced your perception of yourself.
- How did they do it?
- What was your reaction to this?
- What have been the consequences for you?
Write your thoughts. This section may be full of regret, fear, hurt, sorrow, loss and grief. This is not wrong. Take your time and be gentle with yourself.
Step 4: How Do I Manage Discomfort?
Ask yourself what you do to lessen uncomfortable or painful emotions.
- What do you do when things get tough?
- What do you do when something doesn’t align with your self-image score for that subject?
- What do you consistently do when you feel emotional – arguments, yoga, chocolate, alcohol, television, shopping, sulking, the silent treatment, ‘me time’?
Write them down. They are keeping you stuck because they manage the pain instead of healing it. Heal the pain and you will be able to move forward.
Step 5: What Would Be Better?
Ask yourself the following questions.
- Is there a better way for me to handle this?
- What is my pattern and what would it be better for me to do?
- Can I do that, and if I can’t, who knows how?
- Who has done this before and succeeded?
- Am I willing to ask them for help?
DO
There are many useful techniques for building self-esteem, but the single most important factor is becoming a person of your word.
The fastest way to elevate your self-esteem is to make a promise to yourself and keep it.
If you have to make the promises small to begin with, that’s fine. It is much better to keep small promises consistently than to go for something bigger and break your promise. You will gain momentum from the smaller commitments and move on to bigger ones.
The simple truth is that you cannot respect yourself if you do not keep your own word.
So…
Start small.
Stick to your guns.
Repeat.
