Issue 57: Reigniting The Spark
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 57 | REIGNITING THE SPARK
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can love them for who they are.
~ Donald Miller
THINK
In our work with couples, one of the most frequent questions Mary and I hear is, ‘How can we get the spark back into our relationship?’ For many couples, the relationship has turned stale, and feelings of love and passion are replaced with resentment or boredom.
For many, the peaks of emotion present in early courtship become so addictive that the smooth, satisfying love of attachment feels comparatively boring. For others, as the years unfold, laziness and taking the relationship and partner for granted become the norm.
The truth is being in love is not the same as falling in love.
It is normal for the initial intensity created by falling in love to fade. There is still love present - it simply takes some effort and intentionality to keep the feelings of romance and connectedness alive.
Consider where your relationship is at:
- Do you think your relationship has lost the spark it had when you first met?
- Is your relationship a bit humdrum – no problems, but no passion either?
- What are your expectations - of love in general, and of your relationship in particular?
- Do you think these expectations are realistic?
FEEL
All relationships go through cycles – life and love ebb and flow like the tides.
When we first fall in love, our brains emit a cocktail of chemicals called ‘monoamines’, which make us feel excited and elated. We can’t eat, can’t sleep and can’t think about anything but the object of our affections.
But the surge of intense emotions eventually subsides (after all, we can’t stay in the first phase of love forever) and a deeper phase - ‘attachment’ - begins. This love is more rooted in comfort and belonging than the initial desire that sweeps us up. For that reason, it is something we all need, even if we miss the intensity of the first stages of love.
Consider your feelings regarding your relationship, partner and the stage of love you are in:
- Do you miss the heart-thumping, blood-rushing feeling that comes with the first flush of love?
- Do you feel like you take your partner for granted?
- Do you feel like your partner takes you for granted?
- Do you feel like you have lost your spark?
- What pleasurable and passionate activities can you bring back into your relationship?
- How will you make space for those things?
- When do you most desire your partner?
- When do you most feel desired by your partner?
DO
Most people are tired and tense at the end of the day. For the majority of couples the route between work and home includes detours to children’s swimming lessons, soccer practice, parent-teacher evenings, doctor or vet visits, supermarket shopping etc.
And then they wonder, after the kids are asleep, the dishes are done and the ironing folded, why the relationship lacks the desire and intense connection it once had.
The reality for most of us is it doesn’t come first anymore.
The reasons for that are generally solid, but the result is the same.
What we need to do is make the space to just be together, in whatever way we can. It would be difficult to overstate the positive impact putting your partner and the relationship first will have.
- How can you make your partner your priority?
- What changes do you need to make to ensure your relationship stays at the top of your to-do list?
- Put some energy and creativity into making a list of simple things you can do to reignite the fire in your relationship - use the answers from the questions above to help with this.
- Schedule the time to do them.
