Issue 52: Addressing Issues In Relationships
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 52 | ADDRESSING ISSUES IN RELATIONSHIPS
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
THINK
If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, chances are you know what it feels like to have a gradual accumulation of niggles that get you hot under the collar.
You mention them, your partner explains themselves, you don’t feel heard - life goes on.
Sound familiar?
Most of us (eventually) just bury the issues, hoping against all logic and experience that they’ll go away. Of course they don’t. And now, the next time they come up we’re much more likely to overreact because we’re pre-loaded with all the frustration of the last time.
What began as a small thing becomes a proper argument.
What can you do differently?
When your partner has an issue with you, the smartest action you can take is to sit down and have a good, honest look at what they’re saying. Defending yourself is firstly, almost certain to make them feel like you’re not interested in their viewpoint, and secondly, missing the point.
If your partner has a problem with something you’ve said or done, there is little value in showing them why they should feel differently. They’ve had the feeling already - you cannot make it go away by explaining how they should feel something else.
When we successfully explain ourselves, we have not addressed the issue. All we’ve done is point out why we intend to remain the same and do something similar next time.
Is it any wonder they’re exasperated with us?
FEEL
The next time your partner raises a problem, take a deep breath and stop to examine the feelings that criticism brings up for you. Very often, there will be more at play than just the situation that brought the emotions up.
For example, it’s Jane’s birthday and her husband John is on his phone. She responds with more emotion than is really appropriate, because that situation is tapping into her underlying ‘not good enough’ patterning and she’s feeling like even on her birthday, she’s not important. In reality, John was checking out restaurant reviews to find a nice place to take Jane out for dinner.
- What do you feel?
- Why do you feel that way?
- Is that emotion appropriate to the situation - or are there larger patterns/programs at play?
- What would be a constructive thing to do with this emotion?
- How can you use your emotional intelligence skills to choose a best next step?
- Does your partner have a point?
- How might your partner feel right now?
DO
Take a moment without distractions to sit down and talk to your partner about this subject.
Tell them that the next issue they bring to you will be received with an open mind. Let them know that you’ll listen carefully and attentively until they have finished, without interrupting, and that you promise to look at the issue from their point of view.
Reassure them that you will restate (to their satisfaction) what the issue they’ve raised is, including how they feel. Ask them to gently call you on it if you do not do all of the above before offering your own point of view.
Ask your partner to commit to doing the same for you.
Stick to this process your relationships will go from good to great very quickly.
