Issue 48: Ending The Self-Sabotage Cycle
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 48 | ENDING THE SELF-SABOTAGE CYCLE
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
The tragedy of too many people is that they cannot allow happiness just to be there; they cannot leave it alone. Their sense of who they are and of what their destiny is cannot accommodate happiness. So they are driven to find ways to sabotage it.
~ Nathaniel Branden
THINK
It’s the time of year we’re all deciding on our resolutions with hope and determination to make positive changes. But every year, by the beginning of February the vast majority of goals have been abandoned.
For many of us, self-sabotage is at play.
‘Self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values’ (Brenner, 2019).
The behaviour that causes self-sabotage can be conscious or unconscious. Sometimes we undermine ourselves but don’t recognise we’re doing it, other times we make conscious choices knowing we will fall off the wagon.
Ask yourself:
- Do I allow my negative thoughts to spiral out of control?
- Am I constantly putting myself down or picking myself apart
- Do I focus more on failures than successes?
Do I decide not to do something at all rather than risk it not being perfect? - Do I suddenly make a decision that takes me away from something else I had planned?
- Do I really want something, but when it actually starts to happen decide maybe I don’t?
- Spend some time this week becoming the observer and watching your behaviour.
- Ask yourself: Do I ever think to myself, ‘Why did I just do that?’ or ‘What was driving that?’
Write down those situations or make a mental note about what happened, and what triggered your response.
FEEL
Our actions tend to be in sync with our beliefs and values. When they aren’t we strive to line them up again. If we start to rack up the victories and accomplishments, yet still view ourselves as flawed, worthless or incapable, we pull the plug to get rid of the dissonance.
It feels better to control our own failure rather than face the possibility of it blindsiding us. Self-sabotage may not be pretty, but it’s better than spinning out of control. At least when we’re steering the ship, going down in flames feels more like a well-maintained burn.
If you’re used to being or feeling overlooked or mistreated, it’s strangely reassuring to put yourself back in that position - it is after all your comfort zone. You’ve probably been there your whole life, and while you may not be happy, that which you know is preferable to that which you don’t.
- Do you feel undeserving of the good things that might happen to you?
- Do you feel afraid of having what you really want?
- Do you have feelings of regret about the things you didn’t do?
The origins of self-sabotage are rooted in emotional experiences, often from childhood, that affect our self-perception.
Think about what you say to yourself, about yourself, and write down everything you remember.
- Do you judge yourself harshly or call yourself names?
- How does it feel when you look at this list?
- What happens to your drive and motivation?
DO
You have a choice about your thoughts, feelings and actions. You have the power to change these crippling behaviours that hold you back from being the person you want to be and achieving the things that are most important to you. It’s not easy - but it is possible.
The smartest thing to do when you spot the first hint of self-sabotaging behaviour is to pivot quickly. Nip those negative thoughts in the bud before they take root and wreck everything.
Make better choices with your beliefs about yourself and your abilities, including ditching the old stories you tell yourself about what you’re capable of. Understand where those stories come from, and explore why you still believe them.
Tackle self-sabotage one moment at a time by mindfully checking in with yourself each day.
Write down:
- One thing you thought or said about yourself
- What your day was like
- One thing that went well today - how did you react?
- One thing that did not go as planned - how did you react?
- Rate your stress level 1-10 - how did you handle it?
- What decisions did you make today that are going to hold you back?
- What was the resulting behaviour?
- What would be a better way to respond?
Read. Watch. Listen.
