Issue 42: Boundaries
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 42 | BOUNDARIES
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.
~ Brene Brown
THINK
Healthy boundaries are the limits you place around your time, emotions, body, and mental health to stay resilient, stable, strong and content with who you are. They protect you from being used, depleted, or manipulated by others.
Knowing how to set boundaries is one of the most essential yet overlooked social skills. We need them so we can allow time and energy for the things that matter to us. We only have so much time, energy, and emotional capacity. If we don’t protect our well-being, nobody else will.
In her book Boundaries: Where you end and I begin, Anne Katherine says, “A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others.”
If you aren’t sure whether you need to set some boundaries, the following questions may reveal where you need to direct your attention:
- Do you think you overcommit your time to others and leave very little for yourself?
- Do you think you change yourself to fit in with other people?
- Do you think you take on other peoples’ problems as your own?
- Do you think you put other peoples’ needs and wants before your own?
- Do you think you have a hard time saying ‘no’?
If you tell yourself the story that you are unworthy or undeserving, you will most likely find it hard to put boundaries in place because you don’t value yourself or your time.
Setting healthy boundaries requires self-awareness. We need to be clear about our expectations of ourselves and others, and what we are and are not comfortable with in specific situations.
Set aside time to reflect on what is and isn’t working in your life. Ask yourself:
- What is causing me unnecessary stress or discomfort?
- What do I look forward to each day versus what do I dread?
- Who or what gives me energy?
- What areas of my life do I feel exhausted by?
- What makes me feel safe, supported, and valued?
FEEL
Setting healthy boundaries involves expressing your feelings openly and respectfully. You need to be able to communicate your feelings clearly and assertively.
The following questions about how you feel may reveal where you need to direct your attention:
- Do you feel vulnerable to being ‘used’ or taken advantage of?
- Do you feel exhausted or burnt out by overwhelming commitments and responsibilities?
- Do you feel guilty for expressing boundaries?
- Do you feel worried about what other people think of you?
To successfully introduce and hold boundaries, the key is to understand why they’re each important to you and how they will benefit your emotional wellbeing.
DO
It’s time to action your boundaries! If you don’t have any in place already, this process may feel uncomfortable, so start small and build them up slowly.
It starts with self-awareness. Your answers to the questions above will show you where you don’t like the way you feel or act. Understand that you have the power to make changes - you control your actions and reactions. It doesn’t need to be ‘complicated’, but you will need to accept being uncomfortable at first.
- Define your limits (what supports you versus what detracts from your wellbeing).
- Openly communicate your boundaries to people in your life.
Remind people if needed (but always stick to your boundaries). - Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ to things that don’t serve you.
- Take time for yourself.
- Stand your ground with no guilt or shame.
One of the biggest mistakes people make is setting boundaries in their minds but not openly sharing them with the people in their life. Often we assume others should know our boundaries - but if we don’t clearly communicate where we’ve drawn the line, how will they know when they’ve overstepped? Once you know your boundaries, you must communicate them. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.”
The clearer you are, the more likely your boundaries will be respected. While you may need to repeat yourself a few times, don’t apologise or justify yourself.
After you have applied your boundaries, pay attention to how you feel. Give it some time then assess:
- What boundaries do you want to stick with?
- What do you need to adjust?
