Issue 41: Resentment
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 41 | RESENTMENT
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
~ Saint Augustine
THINK
‘That’s not fair!’
Psychologists define resentment as a combination of unpleasant thoughts and the feelings that accompany them, ‘when we do not get what we think we deserve, or when we see other people getting something we think they do not deserve.’
Resentment is different than anger, hurt, frustration, or disappointment. These are all feelings you have in a moment. Resentment is what you feel when you think about the situation later.
The word resent means to ‘re-sense’ or ‘re-feel’, and that’s what you’re doing when you play a situation in your head over and over - in effect digging up the hurt again and again.
Even if you are not a resentful person, it is useful to explore its occurrence in your life.
Although there are times when anger and resentment are justified, we often have distorted beliefs that others should act the way we want them to act. If you allow yourself to become angry or resentful whenever situations don’t go your way, then you are effectively giving control of your feelings to others.
It’s normal to feel resentment, but holding on to it can have negative consequences for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.
Bring to mind a situation where you have ruminated about your anger, hurt, and resentment, with a particular person, and explore in detail:
- Did I have unrealistic expectations for the situation?
- Was I expecting special treatment?
- Did I believe I was owed something?
- Do I think they did something unnecessarily mean, hurtful or thoughtless?
- Is there something this person did not do for me, that I felt they should have?
- What lies beneath my feelings of resentment?
FEEL
Resentment can be tricky to recognise because it combines multiple feelings at the same time. Practice identifying and feeling the emotions underlying the anger - there may be hurt, fear, sadness, disappointment, frustration, bitterness, worthlessness, guilt, regret and blame.
Try reflecting on the following introspective questions:
- What triggered this anger?
- What was I doing before I started feeling angry?
- What feelings are underneath my anger?
- Have I felt this way before?
- Am I entirely responsible for the anger I am feeling?
- Tracing back step -by -step, what led to me feeling this way?
- If I took away this circumstance would I still feel angry?
- What are the advantages to holding on to these feelings of resentment?
Noting what is going on within you is the first step to changing your feelings. Every emotion has something to tell you about yourself - take responsibility for your feelings and you can let go of any resentment and heal.
DO
Holding on to resentment has disastrous effects on your health - it increases blood pressure and heart rate, heightens the incidence of chronic pain and heart disease and is linked with higher rates of depression, anxiety and relationship problems.
And it’s no wonder…
When you ruminate on hurt, anger and resentment, your brain gets flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline because it feels as though you’re under attack. Those hormones keep your fight or flight response engaged and prevent your rational brain from engaging properly.
It is critically important you learn to do something other than cling to resentment.
Holding on to resentment is an indication you’re out of control - and you are the only one who can fix that. Thoughts like, ‘I’ll let go when he apologises’ keep you stuck in victim mode.
The only way to shift the resentment and move forward is to take responsibility and control. The following steps will help:
- Accept what happened. Recognise you are replaying old dramas with your resentment and you cannot change the past.
- Investigate whether you are ‘replacing’ people in your past with people in your present life.
- Acknowledge that resentment only gives you the illusion of strength - it will not last.
- Place a deliberate thought process between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them. You have the power to choose your thoughts - and in that choice you will find growth and freedom.
- Learn to identify and sidestep signals that aggravate your feelings of resentment.
- Observe your thoughts, feelings and sensations of resentment without letting them overwhelm you.
- Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.
- Identify how you may have contributed to the situation you feel resentful about.
- Forgive yourself and others.
- Find something to be grateful for in the situation.
Try putting the above steps into practice this week on resentment you have been holding on to.
Many of us find it difficult to let go of resentments because we expect ourselves to be able to stop thinking about it, which is impossible when we are emotionally hijacked by our stress hormones.
What will work is remembering resentment is a habit of thought so we need a new way of thinking about the event or person. Start with changing your thoughts, and you’ll absolutely start to change how you feel and act.
References: Feather, N. T., & Sherman, R. (2002). Envy, resentment, schadenfreude, and sympathy: Reactions to deserved and undeserved achievement and subsequent failure. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(7), 953-961. Flinders University
Read. Watch. Listen.
