Issue 4: TINY ACTIONS THAT CREATE HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 4 | TINY ACTIONS THAT CREATE HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Welcome to our newest innovation.
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
THINK
As part of his research, Dr. John Gottman (world renowned relationship expert) conducted a study with newlyweds, then followed up with them six years later. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: turning towards.
At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time.
What is turning towards? It’s a response to a bid for connection.
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Gottman refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.”
When your partner makes a bid for connection, you have three options:
- Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)
- Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
- Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way)
Imagine you’re cooking dinner and tidying the kitchen together, and your partner asks how your day was. You can:
- Pause, look up and respond openly and honestly (turning towards)
- Grunt or sigh and not say anything while you continue cooking (ignoring or missing)
- Reply, “Why are you always interrupting me I’m trying to read this recipe!” (turning against)
How do you respond to your partner’s bids for attention?
FEEL
It takes very little effort to create feelings of warmth and love in your relationship.
When you walk into the house at the end of the day, if your partner doesn’t pause to acknowledge your arrival you’re likely to feel as though you’re not important.
But if you walk in and they stop what they’re doing to greet you warmly - a smile, a hug or a kiss, a how was that small effort creates positive feelings for both of you and nurtures your connection.
How are you greeting your partner at the end of the day? What feelings are you conveying?
DO
This week, share the concept of turning towards with your partner and make a deliberate effort to put it into practice.
Reach out for connection, often. Show you care - send the good luck message before a big meeting, put a love note in a lunch, touch them casually as you move around the house. Bids can be small and simple, but they are very powerful.
Keep your awareness on your partner so you notice their bids and respond warmly.
Master the art of the tiny moment - because it’s those moments that make a world of difference in the long run.
Read. Watch. Listen.
READ
Interested in what else you can do to improve your relationships? Check out this blog for seven keys you can apply right now.
WATCH
A very important (quick!) note on healthy relationships from Mark Manson.
LISTEN
If you’re interested in hearing more about the Gottman’s work, you can listen to an interview about their latest book, The Love Prescription: Seven Days To More Intimacy, Connection & Joy, here.
