Issue 38: Connection
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 38 | CONNECTION
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.
~ Brene Brown
THINK
What makes a good life?
This is the question the researchers responsible for the Harvard Study of Adult Development were trying to answer when they began in 1938. For decades, they tracked the lives of two different groups of men: Harvard second year students and a group of boys from Boston's poorest neighbourhoods.
The followed the lives of these 724 men from teens through their 90's and afterwards, the lives of their children. Regular questionnaires, interviews and even medical records were used to track participants lives.
The single clearest message from the 75 year study is this ...
Good relationships (quality connections) keep us happier and healthier.
In his TED Talk, psychiatrist Robert Waldinger (director of the study) shared three crucial lessons.
1: Social connections are very good for you and loneliness kills. Participants who were more socially connected on multiple levels were happier, physically healthier, and lived longer than people who were less connected.
2: The number of connections you have is not as important as the quality of your close relationships. Participants who valued quantity over quality in relationships had poorer health and were less happy than those who had a smaller number of closer relationships.
3: High quality social connections aren't just important for your body - they're also good for your mind. According to Waldinger, subjects in the study with better social relationships had sharper memories than those in poor relationships. People in poorer relationships showed a steeper memory decline.
Our brains are hardwired for connection - we are deeply social creatures with a biological and psychological need for social support. Each time we genuinely connect with another person, we release the hormone oxytocin into the bloodstream, which reduces anxiety and improves concentration and focus.
- Have you ever considered your relationships as a major contributor to your happiness?
- Do you live your life in accordance with how important you now know they are?
- Do you invest enough time and energy in making connections and strengthening relationships?
- What do you think stops you from making your relationships a priority?
- What do you think you can do to cultivate more meaningful relationships?
FEEL
Social connections can help boost your mood and also manage your emotions better. Social researcher Brene Brown defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."
Researchers suggest these four kinds of behaviour enhance feelings of social connection:
1: Heart To Heart Conversations
If the person in conversation with you feels accepted, validated and important to you, they are likely to feel a sense of closeness and trust.
2: Giving & Receiving Help
This is absolutely a two way street - to build connection you need to both help others and let them help you. Most of us find it easier to give help than to receive it, but this is a crucial ingredient in cultivating strong connections.
3: Experiencing Positive Emotions Together
When this happens, you'll connect mentally and emotionally at the same time your bodies synchronise gestures and facial expressions. Even biomarkers like heart rate and hormones can shift towards similar patterns.
4: Being Aware Of Preferences
Be mindful of how you and your closest people prefer to connect. Some people love to talk about their feelings and gravitate toward emotional intimacy, while others who only open up with those they deeply trust will connect more widely through humour. It is not enough that you understand or care for others - to experience deep, high-quality connections you will need to make sure the other person feels those things from you.
Ask yourself:
- Am I as connected as I would like to be to other people?
- What am I missing?
- Do I feel like I can be known and seen in my relationships?
- How can I develop more of the relationships that give me more of the feelings I want?
DO
The research clearly shows the relationship between our social relationships and our health - warning us that lack of connection predicts vulnerability to disease and death above and beyond traditional risk factors like smoking, blood pressure, and physical activity. Scans have even shown activity in the same area of the brain regardless of whether the person is in social or physical pain.
So it's vital you build on your connections - the real, face-to-face ones that bring genuine empathy and a sense of true belonging.
This doesn't have to take a lot of extra time - it simply requires paying attention to where the opportunities for connection already exist in your life.
Try these two exercises:
1: Micro Moments
Positive psychologist Barbara Fredrickson suggests micro moments of connectivity can be very helpful in cultivating a broad sense of belonging. Making eye contact, smiling, being present (not on our phones), initiating small acts of kindness, being curious and empathic about what's going on for others, and a willingness to be vulnerable and share experiences are all ways to create micro moments as we move through the day.
2: Enrich Your Network
Strengthen the connections you have in your network - the ones who support, energise, enrich and enable you. Make a point to keep in contact or reconnect, think of specific positive things you can share (and actually say them), show an interest in their life and plan small random acts of kindness.
