Issue 12: Active Listening
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 12 | ACTIVE LISTENING
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
~ Stephen Covey
THINK
While approximately 85% of our knowledge comes from listening, researchers suggest that we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful 75% of the time. We can usually only recall half of what a person has told us immediately after hearing it. Beyond that, it reduces to 20%.
Listening is not difficult - we all know how to do it.
So why don’t we do it effectively?
When we talk with another person, we tend to think that we’re having a dialogue – one to another. In reality, we are often having ‘two parallel monologues’ in opposite directions. Listening is defined as a physical and psychological process that involves choosing to listen, understand and respond to symbolic messages from others. But our minds are frequently rushing ahead to ready our response.
Think about how you listen:
- Do you listen for full and total meaning?
- Do you respond to the feelings about what was said?
- Do you look for non-verbal cues like tone, expression, speed
- These often convey far more than the spoken words they accompany.
FEEL
Few aspects of human experience are as powerful as the yearning to be understood. Feeling unheard is a painful experience. It can make us feel small, neglected, even unloved. When someone listens, we believe we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are acknowledged, and that we have something to share.
There is one reason why we don’t acknowledge as much as we might: fear.
If you let your emotions control your listening you will be more inclined to jump to conclusions or interpret words and actions incorrectly. It is vital we listen with ears, eyes, head and heart. We need to reflect empathy, sincerity and curiosity, especially during emotionally charged conversations.
Try using these powerful phrases to reflect what you’re picking up on:
- I can hear that you…
- You must be feeling so…
- I can understand that…
Small phrases that make an extraordinary difference - psychology dictates that a crisis will immediately start to decline once a simple non-judgemental mirroring has taken place. Once we’ve been heard, most of us become far less emotional.
DO
Improve your listening skills by practicing these five steps in communication with someone you are in relationship with:
Step in their shoes.
When you speak, try to understand their point of view. For instance, try imagining that you are them, going about their day. Does your capacity for empathy in this circumstance change by acknowledging their perspective before you begin?
Fact check your interpretations.
Reflect on the dialogues you and that person have had. Make a deliberate, conscious effort to fact-check your interpretations and assumptions regarding what they said. This simple step can prevent much disagreement.
Give your full attention.
During a conversation, give the other person your full and undivided attention. This indicates you value their time, energy and perspective and will make them far more likely to do the same for you.
Clarify what they have said.
Make an effort to clarify what you think you have heard, including reflecting any emotions. Ask: “I would like to clarify that I’ve understood you correctly. Is that alright?” You will almost always get a very positive response.
Clarify what you have said.
You can also ask the other party to share what they’ve heard from you. How would you clear up any misunderstandings if they arose?
