Issue 109: Emotional Bank Accounts
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 109 | EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNTS
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
If I make deposits into an emotional bank account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me “an offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.
~ Stephen Covey
THINK
The idea of an emotional bank account was first popularised by Stephen Covey and has more recently gained traction thanks to the Gottman Institute. The emotional bank account is a metaphorical account that represents the quality of the relationship between two individuals. The balance of the account can be positive or negative, depending on the number of deposits and withdrawals made.
An emotional bank account works just like a regular bank account, except you can’t see it and it can be harder to track. It “uses trust, rather than money, as the currency. Couples make ‘deposits’ in their emotional bank accounts by turning toward each other and ‘withdrawals’ by turning away.” The Gottman Institute.
Dr. Gottman’s research suggests that the ideal ratio for a healthy relationship is 5:1. That is, five positive interactions for every negative one. This helps to ensure that any withdrawals are offset by the emotional reserves built from positive deposits. These reserves can also prevent conflict from hurting the relationship’s overall health.
We need a surplus of positive moments to maintain a healthy emotional connection, especially when our days are full to bursting and there are devices near constantly present. Gottman advises that mutual knowledge and communication are the basis for building a healthy, lasting connection. It is worth taking the time to reflect on this aspect of your primary relationship.
- Do you think you know your partner inside out or is there room for growth?
- Do you know your partner’s biggest dream, their fears, or even their favourite childhood memory?
- Do you think your partner knows about your favourite book or the special childhood place that still holds meaning for you?
- Do you know what stresses your partner is currently facing?
- Do you think you and your partner ‘mesh’ well on basic values and goals in life?
The essence of knowing your partner lies in sharing your truths and inquiring about theirs, then listening carefully. This will allow you to become emotionally close. The more you engage in these conversations, the more you allow for vulnerability and openness, which are crucial for the success of the relationship.
FEEL
When positive interactions do not outweigh the negative ones, some anxiety can enter the relationship and you may begin to feel that your relationship is in trouble. You could become extremely concerned, perhaps even fearful about how to build the relationship back up.
Explore how you feel in your primary relationship:
- Do you feel seen, heard and validated by your partner?
- Do you feel appreciated by your partner for the things you do in the relationship?
- Do you feel like your partner is available to you on a daily basis?
- Does your partner show you physical affection?
- Do you feel like your partner provides you with empathy and emotional support?
When we make deposits in the emotional bank account we are dealing with ‘emotional units’, so our feelings are very important.
Conscious effort is necessary to create meaningful positive interactions in our relationships - but we don’t need to make grand gestures that require a lot of time, energy and money.
What’s important to remember is that these emotional units build up with everyday moments of connection. When we treat each other with kindness, empathy, affection and understanding the balance in our emotional accounts will remain positive.
DO
Making deposits into someone's emotional bank account requires emotional intelligence. When you have emotional intelligence, you can build self-awareness, which allows you to be more mindful of your behaviour and the impact it has on others. This understanding is the first step in making deposits into someone's emotional bank account.
Take stock of your emotional bank account activities with your partner:
- What kind of ‘withdrawals’ do you make from your partner’s emotional bank account, and how often do you make them?
- How healthy is your account looking at the moment? Is there a substantial balance in there, or is it overdrawn?
- What have you been doing to make deposits into the account?
- What else could you do to keep the account in credit or restore it to health?
- What are you going to do more of in future?
Take stock of your other important relationships:
- Yourself
- Parents
- Siblings
- Children
- Friends
- Colleagues
Rate each of those relationships in terms of your emotional bank accounts, then decide where you need to make some investments and create a plan of action.
If your personal emotional account needs replenishing, remember it is your job as an adult to comfort and nurture yourself. How do you do that?
The following three tips from The Gottman Institute may help:
- Notice the good. Catch your partner doing something right, rather than identifying and dwelling on the ways your partner is letting you down.
- Express appreciation. Compliment your partner, say thank you, and call out when they do something that makes you feel cared for.
- Talk about it. Tell your partner about any issues, and listen to them without blame or problem solving.
Finally, set up some simple rituals with your partner, such as shared daily routines, a morning coffee or evening dinner together, a walk or even a date night. These rituals help maintain the emotional bond between partners, especially during busy or tense periods. They create a sense of safety, reliability and consistency, making the relationship feel more protected and supported.
