Issue 105: Abandonment
THE LEAP
BY QUANTUM ORANGE
GROW, EXPAND & EVOLVE
ISSUE 105 | ABANDONMENT
Each week The (Quantum) Leap summarises a key aspect of success into what you need to Think, Feel and Do to create a personal shift.
You are not a product of your circumstances, you are a product of your decisions.
~ Stephen Covey
THINK
A fear of abandonment is a deep-seated fear of being left or cheated, ending up alone or not finding someone at all. It can negatively affect all relationships including professional, romantic and social relationships, as well as casual acquaintances.
People who experience fear of abandonment may have problems with ruminating or irrational thoughts, may question other people’s motives, regularly mistrust others or make false assumptions about how another person interprets an interaction.
While there are many different experiences that can cause a fear of abandonment to develop, it is most often traced back to a wounding event in childhood. For example, parents divorcing, a parent moving away, a death in the family, being adopted, not knowing one or both parents or simply having parents who don’t attend to your emotional needs. Traumatic events as an adult, such as being cheated on in a relationship or having a partner who is emotionally unavailable, can also play a part.
Use the following reflection questions to identify if fear of abandonment is an issue for you.
- Do you think you have to please other people to be loved?
- Do you have thoughts of insecurity in your relationships?
- Do you trust other people?
- Do you make false assumptions about how another person interacts with you?
- Do you have ruminating or irrational thoughts about people you are in relationship with?
- Do you fear being alone - now or as a child?
- Did you feel physically or emotionally neglected as a child?
FEEL
A fear of abandonment shows up as pushing people away, being needy or possessive in relationships, or allowing others to get close before becoming reactive or aggressive when upset.
When we feel abandoned we often express our pain as anger by lashing out and behaving badly. Unfortunately, all this does is push people away. We need to challenge our negative thoughts and beliefs so we do not assume our feelings are facts. At the same time, we must give ourselves the space to have the emotional experience by being present to it.
Accept the truth of what is going on for you right now and understand you don’t need to change it or push it aside. The more you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, the quicker it will actually pass. This will also buy crucial time to calm down and regulate your nervous system so you can re-engage clear headed.
Use the following reflective questions to be present to your feelings.
- Do you rely on other people to meet your emotional needs?
- How often do you feel lonely, disappointed or sorry for yourself?
- Do you lash out in anger and push people away?
- Are you able to accept being emotionally intimate with those you are close to?
DO
To promote healing and get relief from the feelings of abandonment, we need to take action to improve our relationship with ourselves.
Here are some tips for doing exactly that:
- Take your power back by looking within and determining which of your emotional needs you can meet yourself.
- Learn how to be happy alone - listen to music, exercise, eat nourishing food.
- Look after yourself instead of spending all of your time pleasing others.
- Create a list of healthy self-soothing behaviours you can use when you’re upset.
- Practise emotional self-compassion by writing letters of forgiveness - both to yourself and those who have hurt you.
Actioning the strategies above will result in the creation of personal power and security. Your mood will improve and so will your sense of worthiness.
Remember - healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed, it just means the damage no longer controls your life.
